I used to walk around my house without a care in the world. Pick that thing up, move it over there. Put something in the dishwasher, turn on the radio, kick that thing by accident – ouch. I used to put things in the sink that needed to go in the sink. I used to put cutlery in the drawer where they belonged. Throw them in there even. What did I care?
These days, the thought of moving a spoon, fork or knife from one place to another strikes fear into my heart. Into my soul (or whatever’s more dramatic to strike fear into).
It’s the difference between a good day and one in which you watch your hair turn grey before your eyes.
We have a book that we read to our daughter called Everything Grows. It’s by Raffi and it’s a great little read. It’s even a song if we so choose to sing it to her one day (right now she only likes John Prine) and the refrain goes “Everything grows and grows”. It’s a catchy little ditty and one I’ve been altering a little in our house. I’ve been mumbling the refrain ‘Everything beeps and beeps’ to myself as I’ve tried to stay quiet as a mouse while she’s sleeping.
I think even a mouse would wake most babies – they’re very light sleepers (the saying ‘sleep like a baby’ is wildly false) and most houses are not designed for sleeping babies, including ours. Take our new dishwasher – beeps and beeps. You touch it, it beeps. Toaster beeps. Fridge beeps when you leave it open too long. Oven beeps. Vacuum cleaner beeps and talks. It is constantly telling me to do more chores: “Empty the dirty water tank” it says. “And place on charging centre, you moron” Okay the moron part is just what I imagine it’s thinking. Even our baby monitor beeps when it’s running out of battery, ultimately risking waking up the very baby it is helping to monitor during nap time. Irony much?
Yes, everything beeps and beeps. It’s a minefield trying to keep her from waking up. Once I’ve finally gotten our little munchkin to sleep and snuck out of the room stepping on all my pre-established non-creak spots, it’s time to begin Mission Inaudible. This means watching where I step, what I move, what I put away, and how I sneeze (hold it in, for the love of god).
For anyone in the same boat or soon-to-be boat, here are a few paddles in the way of suggestions. I wish I could offer a life preserver but those don’t exist in the ocean of childrearing (what a funny word, ‘rearing’)
- Dishwasher – can load it and unload it if you’re feeling brave and have the time to place every dish and glass with the precision of a surgeon. Otherwise, avoid it.
- Sink – washing mugs are okay and even glasses. Got pots and pans – avoid them. Even beware the running water. Pretty quiet when it runs onto the ceramic sink, but into a water-filled pot? Noisier than you’d think.
- Laptop – wanna do some work? No problem. Just make sure the sound is off. Work away.
- Cutlery – not your friend. Avoid at all costs. The clanking from a spoon on spoon is the thing that will wake even the sleepiest of babies.
- Front door – better make sure there’s some WD40 on hand in case it creaks louder a horror film crypt (or is that just my door?)
- Toys – the desire to clean up that room of toys can backfire when you accidentally set off the talking elephant that sings that they’re a friendly little elephant at the decibel level of Robert Plant in his prime
- Phone call – better be someone in your Top Five. Or a take-out dinner order that will save you that precious prep time that now starts at 4pm to have your baby fed, bathed, and sleeping by 6pm. Better yet, go outside. But take that dang monitor with you. And watch that front door. And don’t lock yourself out.
- Reading – great idea. Just don’t fall asleep with the book on your chest. Take it from experience: that book hitting the floor will end your precious little nap real quick. Magazine is better – less noisy when it falls.
- Stand still and stare at the wall – perfect. This is ultimately the only thing that will ensure you don’t make any noise. Stare at the wall and think about all the free time you used to have and wonder if you’ll ever get in shape again.
Best to follow one simple rule: when in doubt, leave the toy, plate, or cutlery out. Put it away when your bundle of joy wakes up. Mission Inaudible ends when the post-nap crying begins. But that’s when the real work of parenting really begins. Tired yet?
Written by Jesse Wilkinson
